You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
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you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
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Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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