So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
