Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
