When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Two words: nipple clamps
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