alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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