I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
