allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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