Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
