im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
