The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
