In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
