a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
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That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
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Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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