i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
