So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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