i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
