my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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