What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
