Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
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the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
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I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.