We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
