i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
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In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
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The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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