just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
