Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
