I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
