i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
