He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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