And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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