I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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