You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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