Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
