I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
