Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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