tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
