people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
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how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
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I AM VODKA MAN
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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