What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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