Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
