I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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