the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
