I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she peed on how many people?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
