Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I think my moral compass just broke
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
