Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
