My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
