Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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