im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
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She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
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You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.