there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
