the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
