so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
