he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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