I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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