Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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