New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
