eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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