It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
