So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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