Whod you bang
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
