I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
