I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
