so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
