smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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