This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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